The Culture of Internalized Misogyny

I would be quite surprised if you say that you’ve never heard a woman say “I’m not like other girls”. Well, the question here is who is the ‘other’, which so-called category of girls do we refer to when we dissociate ourselves while saying, ‘we aren’t like other girls’. So, let’s dive into understanding who is the ‘other’ girl that so many women want to separate themselves from.

The ‘other’ girl is the very image of femininity, she is often perceived as the pink-loving, make-up wearing, delicate girl whose sole identity does not go beyond fashion and gossip. This perception of the ‘other’ girl is one who is unintelligent, shallow, and incapable of power and authority. This very idea of the ‘other’ girl leads a majority of women to claim themselves as not one of them. This trope is so poisonous that it defies young girls from embracing their femininity and indulge into feminine activities. At the same time, when a woman is career-oriented, intelligent, has a sense of humor or likes video games or sports is considered, ‘not like other girls’.

The entire phenomena of women disassociating from their own gender, and subconsciously thinking that the female gender is degrading and inferior is the result of ‘internalized misogyny’.

“Internalized misogyny for me is all about, not being able to question your entitlement and ingrained privilege that comes to you due to your gender. For a cis-het man, internalized misogyny is all about not able to question self and others because of the fear that you might lose your power.” 

              -Deepak Kumar, Youth Development professional

101 to internalized misogyny

Internalized misogyny is when women create a sense of hatred and prejudice about themselves or against other women. This is due to the years of oppression that women have been experiencing due to their gender, which leads to women accepting gender stereotypes and sexist ideas. It often, in fact most often leads to, women degrading other women, pulling them down and be a part of the conditioned patriarchy.

This phenomenon manifests in statements like, ‘I can’t be friends with women, they are such a drama’, ‘Guy friends are so much better than women’, ‘She is a typical girl’, which is often used by many women. Internalized misogyny also leads to body-shaming and ‘slut-shaming’ other women, in school, college or workplace. I’m sure there are several women out there who has been a victim to this and have once in their lifetime (actually, much more often than that) faced this.

This phenomenon is so subtle and so deep instilled in women that they don’t often realize how problematic it is. I recently put a poll on my Instagram (only for women), which asked, “how many of you think, you are not like other girls?”. I’m so glad that 75% of women voted that they are ‘just like other girls’, but unfortunately 25% of them voted that they aren’t. While it makes me happy that more and more women are embracing womanhood and are all in for sisterhood, there are still some young girls who believe that they need to be excluded from the feminine canon in order to have their own identity.

A Byproduct of Patriarchy

When I speak about internalized misogyny, I do not put the blame entirely on women, because the misogynistic idea is a byproduct of the patriarchal society which we all, including women, are a part of.

 “The way parents raise their daughters is itself an act of internalized misogyny. Control over female body and actions are being normalized and this way of treating and raising a girl child makes them vulnerable and lack of self-confidence in their future.” 

          -J S Suseela, MSW in Women Centered Practice

From a young age, girls are taught to compete against each other rather than having each other’s back. It starts from our households that treat girls differently than boys.

“The main aspects of internalized misogyny in women in India is attributed to our upbringing. As traditional orthodox people, following a set of laid down rules and rituals passed on through generations, be it men eating first or getting the better things. Women being idolized through ages as being the sacrificial selfless one. These things grow and are inbred in women through generations. No matter how much we read, agree or have feminist outlooks unfortunately none of us can fully get out of this chain.”,

-Suranya Sengupta, writer.

The strongest weapon of patriarchy is to turn women against women, internalized misogyny is not an intentional outcome of patriarchy but it’s indeed the automatic effect.

Some common examples of internalized misogyny are when women:

• ·    slut-shame women for wearing too much make-up, a certain kind of dress, or being sexually outward.
• ·      victim-blame, like asking ‘what was she wearing’ or ‘why was she out so late’ blaming the woman rather than holding the man accountable.
• ·      body-shame, and hold prejudice against another woman’s success.

Femininity is not a Madonna-whore complex

Madonna-whore complex is a phenomenon where women are stereotyped into two categories, one who is a ‘good’ girl and the other is a ‘whore’. The ‘other’ girl that we have mentioned earlier is a result of this complex. Femininity is in no way a Madonna-whore complex that society has enforced on us, because womanhood is diverse and all inclusive.

“It is inevitable that women would recreate the same power structure that’s been existing for years now. A structure where women are devoid of power and authority. Women don’t see themselves holding authority and power and so they’re often competing for breadcrumbs.”

-Uzma Rahmani, M.A. English Literature

Pop-culture and the Vamp

Remember when Anjali from ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ said ‘Mujhe ladki mat bolo’, or the character Sanjana from ‘Main hoon naa’. Well, Indian cinema and TV serials have always stereotyped women and put them into boxes. There’s always a Gopi bahu competing against Rashi, there’s always a Komolika trying her best to pull down another woman.

And, Indian TV serials have almost excelled at presenting the ‘vamp’ who is often a career-oriented, bold, brave, and outspoken woman but somehow, she is the bad one. We’ve often seen women on-screen fighting over a man and blaming each other, with no questions raised against the man.

What we need are more stories that show women friendship, we want a story on Aditi & Naina, Tina & Anjali, because why can’t Gopi, Rashi, Anupama, Kavya all be friends!!

Empower the Sheroes around you

So, here’s the thing ladies, embrace your femininity, cause as we all know, EMPOWERED WOMEN EMPOWER WOMEN. The first step to unlearning internalized misogyny is accepting that it exists and you need to do away with it. As a woman, you must learn that womanhood is not about choosing between the traditionally feminine or traditionally masculine, but about all the myriad choices you want for yourself. When you see women around you not as competition but as sisters who got your back, you’d see how invigorating you’ll feel.

Because, I meet women everyday who inspire me, I’ve had them in school who gave me the strength to handle my first heartbreak. I’ve met women during my college days who inspired me to become who I am today, who pushed me to get the job I aspired for. I meet women at washrooms in pubs who are just there to hear me rant on how shitty my day was. Every single day I see so many women around me who inspire me in one way or the other.

"Women need to extend their support to other women, the solution to internalized misogyny lies in unity. Even I have misogynistic ideologies within me, but I'm unlearning them, it won't happen in a day and it's a process. As a woman I too face disparity, like getting less opportunities, everyday sexism, and sadly I've too become a part of it. But the only solution is identifying the problem, cause women for women."

         -Sharmistha Mahato, fashion designer

As Toni Morrison said, “The loneliest woman in the world is the woman without a close woman friend.”

And remember what, Madeline K. Albright said, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”